sit me down, shut me up
i have this awful feeling that i’m just not good enough. on my best days, i feel lazy, sleepy and wondering if perhaps my brain is too fried from years of doomscrolling and smoking weed.
making art and making it publicly is fighting against all my survival instincts. worse than the fear of being misjudged is the paralysing voice in my head telling me not to worry. strangers online will realise the thing i've known all along (i'm a sad pathetic excuse for a human being and i deserve nothing.)
being my worst enemy isn't that different from having nightmares. the worst nightmare i can think of is actually simple. in it, my brain floods with ideas. i feel brave. i know my characters, the story has completely unraveled in beautiful and unexpected ways. a haze of creativity. the muses come to greet me. i surrender myself to them. i understand what makes us humans and i can finally put it in words. well, the words are all in my head at least, i just need to write them down.
but i never do. i remain paralysed by what could and could not happen. i wake up every day, attend work meetings, prepare and cook food. i sit down to watch a film, i shower, brush my teeth, put my pjs on and go to bed. and then i do it again. and again. and again. i do what must be done. i pay my taxes, i eat healthy. the kpis, emails and the shareholder value discussions corrupt first my vocabulary, then my dreams. i look in the mirror and see myself growing older. the wrinkles take over my skin, my hair turns gray and my tits get saggy. corporate life drains everything out of me. little by little. one slide deck at a time.
there are no psychotic clowns, no demonic voices whispering in my ears. i don’t suddenly lose all the teeth in my mouth after noticing they feel wiggly. i don’t scream, i don’t cry. my heart doesn’t beat any faster, my feet remain still. before i realise, i'm sinking. i drown myself in unrealised ideas, i’m a body that cannot swim going deeper and deeper into an ocean of unwritten words.
i must have some good ideas. maybe. what if i tried? what if i put in time and effort? what if I finally make a start. i open my laptop. i create a new document. i choose the font and spacing. I stare at a blank page.
but i write this blog post instead.